Saturday, July 22, 2017
Friday, July 21, 2017
Another Friday, time for all of us to enjoy the weekend.
Well, not exactly “all”.
For those who have enquired as to Kate’s health, she remains in pain and is off to the Fracture Clinic at RPA today for further x rays to see if the bone is beginning to knit or whether she will need pins.
Speaking of knitting . . .
Kate is getting tired of trying to sleep upright in a chair and of being unable to perform even basic tasks. It’s another example of not valuing something until you lose it. I try to keep her spirits up by giving her little bits of wisdom and encouragement, saying things such as “There are plenty in Rookwood that would change places with ya” and . . .
She must be in a lot of discomfort because the things I say don't seem to help.
(For overseas readers, Rookwood Cemetery, located 17 kilometres west off Sydney’s CBD, is the largest cemetery in the southern hemisphere.
Enjoy Funny Friday readers.
Caution: some risque items included.
The reference to “all but one” reminds me of a poem I posted some years ago that is worth a second posting, especially on Funny Friday . . .
Oft I recall my youth's first splendour
With joyous life just begun,
When all my limbs were soft and tender,
Did I say all?....Well, all but one.
But now the winds of age blow frigid,
The halcyon days of youth have gone
And all my limbs are stiff and rigid...
Did I say all?....Well, all but one!
Graham E sent me a stickman link that is worth visiting, Click on the link below and follow the prompts . . .
You can also find some more at:
Is not the term ”Stickman” politically incorrect?
Some stickman humour:
And a few husband/wife jokes to finish . . .
Bill’s second anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” hollered Suzie angrily, holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married.
You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful.
But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted a promotion and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.
And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Bowling Club and you were short 53 votes...?"
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad, ‘That happens everywhere.’
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist said “I’ll have some H2O.” The second scientists said “I’ll have some H2O too.” The second scientist died.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Getting the cane:
Back when I was in high school, giving students the cane was commonplace, but only for boys, girls weren’t caned. Getting the cane meant receiving from one to six blows on the open palm from a bamboo rod. Some recollections, from my share of being caned:
- A stroke (believe me, it wasn't a "stroke") was known as a “cut”.
- More than one cut was usually done in multiples of 2, using both hands: 1, 2, 4, 6.
- Cuts were extremely painful, usually you put your hand(s) under running cold water in the toilets after being caned.
- The sound of the cane coming down from a raised height – fffftttt – added to the thedatre of pain.
These days corporal punishment is opposed on grounds that:
it is medically and psychologically damaging;
it is ineffective in the long term;
it interferes with learning;
it leads to antisocial behavior;
it causes mental distress;
it is a form of violence that breaches the rights of children.
The use of the cane in NSW schools was first banned in 1987. This ban was repealed in 1989 but most schools refused to reintroduce its use. It was banned again in 1995 by the then Minister for Education, John Aqulilina, a friend and Blacktown boy like myself.
A digression (another memory):
My mother knew John Aquilina quite well from the days when my father would often pick us up at the railway station and give us both a lift home and from the many nights of playing cards in my parents’ kitchen as we made hamburgers and other food items.
She saw John graduate and become a high school teacher in Blacktown at the same time as he became a councilor on Blacktown Council and then Mayor. She would send congratulations and personal messages to him through the Council and he invited her to functions and ceremonies. If she needed something done, such as fixing her footpath. He would always follow it up and get it done. He was then elected to State Parliament and eventually became Minister for Education. On one occasion I visited her, after my father had passed away, and commented that her driveway entrance needed fixing. She said that she had spoken to John Aquilina about it. I said “Mum, John is in State Parliament and a Minister, this is a Council matter, you can’t call him to fix it.” Her reply was “I don’t care, I call him if I need something done and he always gets it done. He said that he would look after this.” And sure enough he did. A lovely guy.
God Save The Queen:
God Save the Queen was the Australia national anthem and it was played everywhere and on all formal occasions. We even started school assemblies with it and had to stand for it in movie theatres. I was once told off by an adult woman for remaining seated during its playing before the movie started.
God save our gracious Queen!
Long live our noble Queen!
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen!
God Save the Queen was officially replaced in the 1980’s as Australia’s national anthem by Advance Australia Fair, a song that has been described as dull and as out of touch in its reference to “fair”. National Party senator, Sandy Macdonald, said in 2001 that "Advance Australia Fair" is so boring that the nation risks singing itself to sleep, with boring music and words impossible to understand. Add to that that that no one remembers the words . . .
Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We've golden soil and wealth for toil;
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history's page, let every stage
Advance Australia Fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia Fair.
Beneath our radiant Southern Cross
We'll toil with hearts and hands;
To make this Commonwealth of ours
Renowned of all the lands;
For those who've come across the seas
We've boundless plains to share;
With courage let us all combine
To Advance Australia Fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Adavance Australia Fair.
The comedy show Fast Forward once did a skit where they had the bouncing ball with lyrics onscreen for the anthem. After the first couple of lines it was da da da da da etc until the last line when a rousing “Advance Australia Fair” was sung.
And don’t get me started on “girt by sea”. . . cringeworthy. One website comments as follows on “girt”:
If there is any word that vaguely Australian-ness more than the word 'mateship' it would have to be the 'girt'. No single word has done more to unite us all than this in-joke identifier of Australian identity. Whether it is Seinfeld style rants along the lines of "What is the deal with the word 'girt'" to imagining police informing criminals through a megaphone "Come out with your hands up. We have you completely girted!" it is a word guaranteed to always be good for a laugh, even at its mere mention... hehe, 'girt'.
When I was a kid, it wasn’t “Australians all let us rejoice, it was “Australia’s sons let us rejoice . . .”. Totally politically incorrect, and how.
Maybe the anthem should be more line the Australian cricket team victory song:
Under the Southern Cross I Stand
A sprig of wattle in my hand,
A native of my native land,
Australia you fucking beauty.
Or, as it was painted on a wall in Western Australia . . .
This is the problem with remembering, you never know where it is going to lead you.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. He was so proud of that invention that he asked to be buried in one. His family honoured his request by having part of his cremated ashes put in a Pringles can in his grave.
JFK (above, centre), C.S. Lewis (left), and Aldous Huxley (right) all died on the same day, 22 November 1963. Kennedy’s assassination overshadowed the deaths of Huxley and Lewis.
A T1-83 calculator has more processing power than the computer that landed Apollo 11 on the moon.
In a 2008 survey, 58% of British teenagers thought Sherlock Holmes was a real person, while 20% thought Winston Churchill was not.
If the Simpsons aged normally, Bart would be older than Marge was in the first episode.
The Simpson family as they originally appeared in shorts from The Tracey Ullman Show as their television debut in 1987.
The Simpsons now.
When a hippopotamus is upset, its sweat turns red,
The Sphynx is a hairless breed of cat developed through selective breeding, starting in the 1960s. Their skin is the colour that their fur would be, and all the usual cat markings may be found on Sphynx skin. Because they have no coat, they lose more body heat than coated cats. This makes them warm to the touch as well as heat-seeking. And they’re fugly.
Cherophobia is a psychological condition of aversion to happiness. Individuals may deliberately avoid experiences and situations that may lead to happiness, one reason being a beklief that when one is happy, a negative event will soon follow that will destroy the happiness, as if being punished for the happiness.
Ed Headrick, the inventor of the Frisbee, died in 2002 aged 78. As per his wishes, he was cremated with his ashes being mixed with plastic to make Frisbees. These were given to friends and family members, with one being thrown by his wife onto the roof of The Ed Headrick Memorial Museum.
Shakespeare's play Macbeth is said to be cursed, so actors avoid saying its name when in the theatre, the euphemism "The Scottish Play" being used instead. If an actor speaks the name "Macbeth" in a theatre prior to one of the performances, he or she is required to leave the theatre building, spin around three times, spit, curse, and then knock to be allowed back in.